My Wife Never Connected With Me – How Do I Change This?


If you want something else than what you have had so far, you will probably have to DO something else than what you have done untill now. And this OTHER THING is by definition unknown, difficult or artificial. Because if it had been known and easy, you probably would have done it a long time ago.

You may also have to do a lot of the things that you have done before, because you are still getting used to living differently, and it takes a lot of practice to learn this “other way of doing” in the relationship to avoid divorce. So if you want something different, you will have to practice doing it until it becomes a natural part of your lifestyle and emotional response. You don’t have to ask yourself the question if you have to stay together or not. In Danish we call it: “Skal man blive sammen for børns skyld”.

The good news is that if you like your life how it is, you will not have to think too hard about what it is that you want or need at this point, because it is already present. And your partner knows exactly what he or she likes, wants and needs. In this sense, you already have an idea of what you should do and say.

In this way, there are no more questions about what to do or say. You don’t need a couple therapist for that. The questions have already been answered for you. Now you just have to make sure that your answers are positive, and match the situation and your partner’s feelings and expectations.

In the end, the “techniques” are to get my wife to have more conversations with me was so easy and so natural, that after just two months of trying to change things I had already seen my wife initiate four new conversations with me, when we just had two previous ones.

One of the things that I did when trying to get my wife to initiate more conversations with me, was that I had to stop making excuses not to spend time with her.

It was always so easy for me to justify myself, but I realized that the only times I really felt “stressed” about my wife’s health, were when I wasn’t around to listen to her or see her.

So, I decided that I would find more time for her in my life. I decided that it was a LOT more important to me to have some quality time with my wife than to get her out of meetings or to go to the spa. It will prevent a divorce (skilsmisse eller ej).

I decided to listen, because I didn’t want her to feel like I was judging her health, and I agreed with her that the only time I really felt stressed, was when I was not around to actually listen to her talk about her work.

I decided to let go of my need to impress my wife, in the first place.

The way to get my wife to initiate more conversations with me, was to have conversations with her about things that didn’t have anything to do with me. So, I decided to start doing little side conversations about things that had nothing to do with me. And I found that by doing this, she had more topics in which she could discuss with me.

And I can tell you that the more we talked about the things that were really important to us, the more her interest in spending time with me was renewed.

These little things became a shift in our relationship. She was interested in us spending more time together, more regularly. And I was very interested in helping her to do that.

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